Taller and Thinner

I’ve seen a couple of really crazy TV commercials for men lately. Well, at least I think they’re crazy. I understand that a lot of advertising plays on people’s insecurities, but are there really so many insecure men out there these days? We’ve seen the commercials and infomercials for men who are losing their hair for years, and today there are multiple companies telling us why they are the best at restoring our confidence. For those who aren’t losing their hair but maybe having it turning gray on them as they get older, there are multiple companies who can help you out. You can change the gray just a little or all the way back to your original color in just a few minutes – while a pretty young woman just happens to be outside your apartment door, waiting to borrow a cup of sugar, or milk, or something. Only when you feel secure enough with your hair color should you open that door. However, there are two I’ve seen lately that just make me shake my head in disbelief.

The first one was for men who have put on a little weight over the last, I don’t know, ten or twenty years. It’s not for a new diet plan, it’s not for a new weight loss miracle pill and it’s not for a new exercise machine. No, this is for undershirts that make you look slimmer. Not that they make you any slimmer than you are now, they just make you look 1 – 3 inches slimmer. So guys, we can eat everything and anything that we want, however unhealthy it may be, and we can look skinnier. Exercise? We don’t need no stinking exercise! We can be seven-days-a-week couch potatoes and put on one of the InstaSlim shirts and voila – that spare tire has been fixed!

The other ad was for all of us short guys. You know, us pitiful little guys who don’t get noticed by the women and get passed over for jobs and promotions because we’re wee, little men. But us hapless men now have a way to change that by just using these inserts in our shoes. It’s kind of like your teenage years all over again – you can grow up to three inches overnight! Put the MaxTall inserts in your shoes and all of a sudden the boss recognizes your talents and makes you his right-hand man. Sneak the maximum number of these into your shoes and suddenly the girl of your dreams gazes lovingly into your eyes and we have a love connection! Oh, I forgot to mention that the ad talks about short guys as being “only” 5’9”. I know plenty of guys my height who don’t think 5’9” is short at all. Heck, for some of us that would make us feel NBA-sized compared to where we are now.

Here’s the thing that confuses me about using these products. What happens if you do actually attract someone because you look thinner? You just look so good that she won’t be able to keep her hands off of you…oh, except that you can’t let her touch you because then she’ll feel your physique aid. Let’s be real, it’s just a girdle for guys. It kind of reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George’s father and Kramer come up with the Manzier (or Bro if you prefer). As for the other commercial, what happens if you attract someone because you’re suddenly taller? Sooner or later you’re going to have to take off your shoes with the inserts and then she’ll unexpectedly be looking down at you. And probably looking down on you, too. Adios, au revoir, auf wiedersehen, goodnight!

My parents always taught us to find people who like you and accept you for who you are, not for what you are or do, and to accept others for who they are. In other words, don’t hang around with someone just because they’re captain of the football team or drive a nice car or have a lot of money, but because they’re nice people and are fun to spend time with. They never said that looks didn’t matter at all, but that shouldn’t be the major factor in liking someone. They taught us that character counts, both other people’s and our own. I had a couple of close friends growing up that I knew would always be there if I needed them and would always have my back. That gave me confidence to just be myself and not feel like I had to impress anybody. I’ve been married for 22 years to a beautiful, smart, talented, caring and loving woman who has always loved me for me who I am, even as I’ve gained weight, lost some hair and had a lot of it turn grey. Now that’s security.