Taller and Thinner

I’ve seen a couple of really crazy TV commercials for men lately. Well, at least I think they’re crazy. I understand that a lot of advertising plays on people’s insecurities, but are there really so many insecure men out there these days? We’ve seen the commercials and infomercials for men who are losing their hair for years, and today there are multiple companies telling us why they are the best at restoring our confidence. For those who aren’t losing their hair but maybe having it turning gray on them as they get older, there are multiple companies who can help you out. You can change the gray just a little or all the way back to your original color in just a few minutes – while a pretty young woman just happens to be outside your apartment door, waiting to borrow a cup of sugar, or milk, or something. Only when you feel secure enough with your hair color should you open that door. However, there are two I’ve seen lately that just make me shake my head in disbelief.

The first one was for men who have put on a little weight over the last, I don’t know, ten or twenty years. It’s not for a new diet plan, it’s not for a new weight loss miracle pill and it’s not for a new exercise machine. No, this is for undershirts that make you look slimmer. Not that they make you any slimmer than you are now, they just make you look 1 – 3 inches slimmer. So guys, we can eat everything and anything that we want, however unhealthy it may be, and we can look skinnier. Exercise? We don’t need no stinking exercise! We can be seven-days-a-week couch potatoes and put on one of the InstaSlim shirts and voila – that spare tire has been fixed!

The other ad was for all of us short guys. You know, us pitiful little guys who don’t get noticed by the women and get passed over for jobs and promotions because we’re wee, little men. But us hapless men now have a way to change that by just using these inserts in our shoes. It’s kind of like your teenage years all over again – you can grow up to three inches overnight! Put the MaxTall inserts in your shoes and all of a sudden the boss recognizes your talents and makes you his right-hand man. Sneak the maximum number of these into your shoes and suddenly the girl of your dreams gazes lovingly into your eyes and we have a love connection! Oh, I forgot to mention that the ad talks about short guys as being “only” 5’9”. I know plenty of guys my height who don’t think 5’9” is short at all. Heck, for some of us that would make us feel NBA-sized compared to where we are now.

Here’s the thing that confuses me about using these products. What happens if you do actually attract someone because you look thinner? You just look so good that she won’t be able to keep her hands off of you…oh, except that you can’t let her touch you because then she’ll feel your physique aid. Let’s be real, it’s just a girdle for guys. It kind of reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George’s father and Kramer come up with the Manzier (or Bro if you prefer). As for the other commercial, what happens if you attract someone because you’re suddenly taller? Sooner or later you’re going to have to take off your shoes with the inserts and then she’ll unexpectedly be looking down at you. And probably looking down on you, too. Adios, au revoir, auf wiedersehen, goodnight!

My parents always taught us to find people who like you and accept you for who you are, not for what you are or do, and to accept others for who they are. In other words, don’t hang around with someone just because they’re captain of the football team or drive a nice car or have a lot of money, but because they’re nice people and are fun to spend time with. They never said that looks didn’t matter at all, but that shouldn’t be the major factor in liking someone. They taught us that character counts, both other people’s and our own. I had a couple of close friends growing up that I knew would always be there if I needed them and would always have my back. That gave me confidence to just be myself and not feel like I had to impress anybody. I’ve been married for 22 years to a beautiful, smart, talented, caring and loving woman who has always loved me for me who I am, even as I’ve gained weight, lost some hair and had a lot of it turn grey. Now that’s security.

Get Out of the Fridge!

It’s just a given that at some point, kids are going to need a snack. When my kids were little we never left the house without some snacks for later because we knew that they were going to get hungry or thirsty before it was time for the next meal. Even now they still need snacks, especially my 15-year old son. I sometimes joke that I need to get a second job to keep him in food. Seeing what he eats, I truly feel for my parents having to deal with 5 boys in the 10-17 year old range at the same time. We were eating machines.

When we got hungry we’d ask Mom if we could have something to eat and most times she’d answer that we could have a piece of fruit. Luckily for me, I’ve always liked fruit – apples, bananas, oranges, grapes, just about anything other than watermelon. Sometimes she said we could have a piece of bread with butter and sugar. Back then we used real butter and real sugar. Now that was a treat! But most of the time it was fruit or some Saltine crackers. It really didn’t matter; we just needed something to hold us over to the next meal, usually dinner.

However, boys being boys, there were also times that fruit, bread or Saltines just wasn’t going to soothe our appetite and we’d open the fridge to see what was in there to eat. Usually within a few seconds of opening the door Mom would say, “Get out of the fridge!” Even if she was in the living room, where she couldn’t even see the refrigerator, she knew we were going in there. We thought she was just hearing the door open, so we tried to open the door as quietly as possible, barely making any noise at all. Still we heard, “Get out of the fridge!” Then we figured she knew we were going into the kitchen so we’d go into our bedroom or the bathroom first, then sneak into the kitchen and ever so discretely open the refrigerator door. The result was the same – “Get out of the fridge!”

According to Mom, she had eyes in the back of her head, so she always knew what we were doing. Now that sounded good, but eyes can’t see through walls. We just couldn’t figure out how the heck she knew when we opened that door. So we started planning our attacks on the fridge. Instead of going in solo, we’d work as a team. One of us would pretend we were going to the bathroom, close the bathroom door and head for the fridge while the other person would talk to Mom as a diversion. One of us would use the bathroom ruse while the other would head toward the kitchen, but before getting there, fake cough or sneeze loudly just as the other quietly opened the fridge door. All the planning was in vain though because we still heard “Get out of the fridge!” How could this be? No matter what we did we couldn’t even get a bite, let alone a snack out of the fridge.

It wasn’t until years later at a family party that Mom’s secret of how she knew we were in the fridge was revealed. It wasn’t the sound of the refrigerator door opening and it wasn’t the sound of items moving in the fridge. It wasn’t that our plans weren’t brilliant and it certainly wasn’t that Mom had eyes in the back of her head that could also see through walls. No, it was actually very simple. For some reason, when the refrigerator door was opened a line would go across the TV. There was some kind of electrical short that made a line across the TV. It just so happened that most of the times we were trying to sneak some food were also the times Mom was watching TV.

There is a lesson here for parents. You don’t need to be the smartest person or the most perceptive, although I like to think that my parents were both smart and perceptive. You don’t need to always be in the same room as your kids or know everything they’re doing, although there were a lot of times they somehow knew what was going on. No, sometimes the key is just being in the right place at the right time. Or better yet, you can use weird electrical issues in your house to your advantage.