Something Is Missing

I was out on my back deck the other day, just kind of surveying the yard, taking it all in as I listened to the birds signing and felt the sun shining on my face. The grass isn’t as thick as I want it, nor is it as green as I want it. The shed looks a little more run down than last year. It’s also probably time I replaced the aging fence back there, too. You probably think all this would get me down, but it really doesn’t, it’s just the state of things right now. What did get me down a little was the gaping spot where the pool used to be.

We used to have an above ground pool in the back until last year when we gave it away. If you have a pool, or have ever had a pool, you know they are a lot of work and cost you more than a few bucks to keep them up and running. We used to think it was a good trade off, because the pool got used all summer long. My kids would have friends over and they would spend the day in and out of the pool, and it kind of became the hangout spot for them. We also used to have friends over who had kids the same age as ours and they’d spend most of the time in the pool. Me, my wife and our kids would go in the pool together when I wasn’t at work. We let people use our pool even if we weren’t home. And then the kids grew up and the pool just didn’t get used much anymore.

That’s the part that got me down, thinking about those times when there was activity in the backyard, water splashing, laughter, and screaming – the kind of noise that was nice to hear. Now there’s a sandy shape of a pool, some crushed stone that was around the edges, and some weeds growing. While I like the sounds of the birds, there is nothing like the sound of kids having fun. It is a sound that still brings joy to my heart.

When I was growing up, we had a pool for a number of years. We went in the pool almost every day those summers, staying in for long stretches of time until our toes and fingers were shriveled like prunes and our eyes were cloudy with chlorine. We’d come out for lunch or a snack and then go back in when Mom said it was okay. We had incredible contests of endurance to see who could hold their breath under water the longest, do the most underwater somersaults, or who could go back and forth underwater the most times without coming up for air. Sometimes, we made whirlpools by going around the edge of the pool and then just floated along with the current until it died. Those were good times.

As we got older, the pool got used less and less until finally, it was taken down. I myself was not sad when that happened, but maybe my parents were. Maybe they felt the same thing I did the other day when they looked out the back window of our house and heard nothing but the birds singing. The sense that something was missing, that time had somehow moved on a little too quickly, and that I should have enjoyed those noisy, pool-filled days a little more than I did, because it’s awfully quiet out there now.

Playing Games, Telling Stories and Singing Songs

My wife and I spent the weekend on Martha’s Vineyard and were on our way back to our car on the shuttle bus when a Dad and his kids caught our attention. This man was great with his kids and was fully engaged with them, something you don’t see enough these days. Pretty much from the time the ride started, he was playing games with the kids, especially a young girl who was probably about five-years old. They played thumb wars, they played I Spy, and they played Simon Says (no small feat in a dark vehicle, I must say). However, what truly impressed me was when the little girl asked to play the Quiet Game.

Listening to them brought back a lot of memories from when my kids were younger and we were on the road. We used to play games, tell stories and sing songs when we drove. Obviously, we didn’t play thumb wars, that would be hard (and dangerous) to play while driving a car around town. We did play a lot of I Spy and finding the alphabet on license plates and signs along the way. However, the Quiet Game was not one we played too much. I think it worked the first few times we played and then they caught on to the real reason my wife and I wanted to play. My kids never asked to play the Quiet Game.

Telling stories was always fun for us and the kids. We did it a couple of different ways. Sometimes we took turns telling a story, each one of us getting our own few minutes to weave a stunning narrative. Sometimes, one person would start a story and go on for a few minutes, say “and then…” and the next person would pick up from there. We usually went around the car once or twice, but there were occasions we went around three times if the story wasn’t fizzling out. On longer trips, after telling stories for a while and saying we needed a break, the kids would ask for one more. I’d say okay and let them know it was going to be a short one and then proceed to tell them this amazing tale, “Once upon a time. The end.” There would be howls of protest that it wasn’t even a story and I’d usually give in and tell them one last good one. 

Singing songs was another great way to pass the time in the car. We’d sing songs from the kids’ classes at church, oldies but goodies that everybody knows (B I N G O and Bingo was his name O!), songs from their CDs (yes, even at five or six, they had their own music), and other songs the kids and my wife and I liked. I preferred them singing Beatles’ songs than most of the stuff that was played on the radio. It also helped that my wife and both the kids are musically gifted. Heck, the kids even made up some songs of their own that were pretty good – and they both still write songs today.

As we got close to the parking lot, the little girl yawned and then said to her Dad, “I think I’m going to sleep in the car.” Her brother agreed shortly after and gave a hearty yawn himself. I thought that was a perfect ending to the night. They obviously had had a lot of fun and now they were spent. There were so many times on longer rides that our kids were laughing and singing and suddenly there was silence. One of us would take a peek back and they’d both be out cold, safe and secure, sleeping in a car like only kids can.

I hope that Dad enjoyed his ride home, realizing how special it is that he has a great relationship with his kids and realizing that there will come a day when they won’t think he’s the most awesome Dad in the world, a stage all kids go through. I’m sure he occasionally took a peek back at his sleeping kids just to make sure they were okay, and probably smiled as he thought about when they were babies and how quickly they had grown. I remember those days like it was yesterday, because in some ways it was. It doesn’t take long for them to go from sleeping in the back of the car, to asking if they can use the car to go over a friend’s house. I just hope my now grown kids have as fond memories of their younger years as I do.  

Home Alone

My wife, my daughter and my son were all out of town the week before last, but I had to stay home because I couldn’t get the time off from work because of a major project we’re working on. There are times I enjoy having the house to myself because sometimes I just want a little peace and quiet. I can sit and read a book without being interrupted or having to switch rooms because someone wants to do something in that room that is noisy. There’s nobody there to ask me to do something for them, whether it’s driving someone somewhere or helping move something or helping cook something. I don’t have to do anything for anybody and I can just relax and take it easy. I know that sounds a little selfish but, like a lot of other people I know, I really don’t get a whole lot of down time so it is nice when I do.

I knew I would have to work some extra hours, so I thought it really wouldn’t matter that much that no one else was home. I’d go to work, come home and eat dinner, and then I’d do some more work until it was time for bed. I had dinner planned out for a couple of nights by just eating some leftovers, and I figured I could eat some food at work on Thursday because we have a “Happy Hour” where there is always some kind of food (pizza, a bunch of appetizers, pasta or Chinese food) and multiple beverages. In addition to all that, I had a company party on Saturday afternoon/night where all the food you needed was provided. That covered more than half the nights I would be responsible for my own dinner, so I knew I wouldn’t starve.

The first couple of days went OK and things seemed to be going along well. Two days had flown by pretty quick. As mentioned previously, I was working some extra hours due to a deadline, so it was work, eat dinner, work, and go to bed. Surprisingly, when I woke up on Friday morning it all sort of hit me: I’d been alone all week, the weekend was upon me and I was still going to be alone until late Sunday. I’ve heard of people who love the single life, being on their own, and doing what they want, but I guess I’m not one of them. I hate being alone for more than a couple of days.

In a previous post, I mentioned how much I hated how quiet it was when everyone but my younger brother and I had moved out and we were the only kids left with Mom and Dad. This was even worse, because when I woke up no one was in the house and when I came home no one was in the house. It was just so…empty. Even though I was seeing people at work every day, not seeing my wife and kids made feel extremely lonely. And even though I was speaking to my wife on the phone or by text, it just was not the same. The last couple of days seemed to stretch out forever.  

Though this seems like it was all doom and gloom, something very positive did come out of my week alone. It helped me to remember how much I love my family and how much I love to be with them, both the kids and my wife. My wife is my best friend, and there is no one else I’d rather spend time with. The day she came home just happened to be our 23^rd anniversary, so to say I was happy to see her would be a huge understatement. My parents were married for more than 50 years when my Dad passed away and I look forward to my wife and me reaching that milestone. Spending the week alone gave me a glimpse into what my life would be by myself and it wasn’t good. A little down time and some peace and quiet is good for a day or two, but I really hate being alone for much longer. I’ll take the noise, the driving, and the errands and, most importantly, my family over an empty house any day.

When the Kids Are Gone

I was chatting on Facebook a few days ago with an old high school friend and we were talking about our kids. She has a 10 year-old son and was saying how she’s so glad to have him around because it would be too quiet without him there. She also has a twenty-something year-old son that has moved out. When I mentioned that, as much as I love my kids, I’m kind of looking forward to the day they’ve moved out on their own, she was very surprised. She mentioned something to the effect that it would just be my wife and I, so what would we do with all that time? I can think of a million things to do. Well, maybe not a million, but a lot.

I really do love the age my son and daughter are at right now – senior and freshman in high school – and I’ve loved every age they’ve been. Yes, even the so called “Terrible Two’s”. Maybe time has distorted my memory, but they really weren’t all that terrible. I feel that every age, every stage, has had its challenges, but also its benefits and joys. I loved when they were babies and just seeing me made them smile. And to my wise-guy brothers, no, that wasn’t gas! I loved when they were toddlers and they loved to sit with me and read books or watch their favorite video. Other than “Sox on Fox” when I was very tired, I loved to read to them and use different voices for the characters in the books. I loved when they started school and were reading on their own. Both my wife and I like to read and my daughter has followed in our footsteps. I loved when they started figuring out what they liked doing, like acting, singing, drawing, writing their own songs and playing guitar and piano. I loved when they started having real, deep conversations about themselves, school, friends – life. I would love to say that I enjoyed the whole college process with my daughter, but it has been more stressful than I ever thought it would be. But overall, I have loved seeing them grow, change and become their own person.

I’m ready for my daughter to go off to college. I know she is going to change and grow a lot in the next four years being away from Mom and Dad. I’ve seen it with my nieces and nephews and I’ve seen it with some of my friend’s kids. When she’s gone, I’ll probably appreciate her more than I do now, and I hope she’ll appreciate me more than she does now. As one of my friends has said to me, “It’s amazing how you suddenly become so intelligent when your kids come back from college to visit.” The more important thing is that I think my daughter is ready to go off to college, too. She’s ready for the next stage of life.

There was a time when four of my siblings and I were still living at home and three of them got married in the same year. So we were going from five to two kids left at home, my younger brother and I. To be honest, I couldn’t wait until they were gone. I figured I’d have the house mostly to myself; I could watch whatever I wanted on TV and listen to whatever music I wanted to, when I wanted. Somehow, I thought this would be the best time of my life. I’d be able to have friends over without interference from anyone and basically do what I wanted.

So the weddings passed and it was just me and my younger brother with our parents and it was…horrible. My brother worked nights a lot, so I suddenly really did have the house to myself. There had always been a lot going on in my house and there was usually a good bit of noise, but now the house was so quiet. I hated how quiet it was! I remember sitting in my room one night, listening to the silence and wishing everyone was back at the house. I had what I wanted and it just didn’t do for me what I thought it would. I’d watch a game on TV, turn up the volume to make up for the lack of noise and I still hated it. Another night I sat there thinking, “Is this what it’s like for an only child?” Because if it was like that, I felt bad for every kid that didn’t have brothers and sisters. I guess the old adage is true: Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it!

So I guess I need to ask myself an important question. Do I really want my kids to be gone and leave just me and my wife? Sure, we'd have the opportunity to do things we want without having to worry about rides and when someone was going to be home, but perhaps my friend from high school is correct. Maybe it will be too quiet, just like it was when I was suddenly alone in the house. There definitely is a buzz in the house when my kids are home and I do miss them when they’re gone. And I truly look forward to seeing them when they get home after being away for a few days. Actually, now that I've written this, maybe I’m not as ready as I thought I was.